This Lifestyle of Mine

One of the books on my nightstand mentions a book called "Living Intentionally" and my immediate reaction was to make a mental note to write that book title down on my "to read" list. But almost as quickly as I had planned to write it down, I took it off the list. I don't need another book to try to teach me how to live my life in a way that I'm not currently living it. A way that doesn't come natural to me so I need to read a book to learn the steps and apply them until I become someone I don't recognize. A way that allows me to try out a new life and know that if it doesn't work out for me, I can just revert back to the way things were (currently are).

That book isn't unlike many of the others that are on my list. But those books are different in a way that I'm not sure my brain has been able to wrap itself around yet. The books are about my faith and living in a way to incorporate my faith better in my daily life. They are about motherhood and being a wife. They are not books that are trying to change me. They are books that I chose to help me better understand my "new" life; my new vocation. I don't think about motherhood being a fleeting thing. But many of the motions are the same as any other lifestyle we find ourselves trying to live, right? We gradually start dressing differently, the music we listen can change, new interests have us attending different events, finding friends that can more closely relate to what we are into. Suddenly we realize that we are living a different life and sometimes we realize we don't want to be anymore so we change again and again depending on the type of person we are.

Motherhood is not like that. Living your faith is not like that. Being able to recognize that gives me so much joy and peace. Knowing that this life that I'm building isn't something fleeting. It started with a foundation and, brick by brick, I'm creating something to last.

The Times They Are A Changin'

It's a changing season, literally and figuratively.

Fall begins in a matter of days and our life as a family of 3 is set to change soon too. J and I have been talking about trying for Baby Z #2 around the holidays and, while I don't feel ready, I also know I'll never feel ready or when I do, Carter will be so much older and the idea of having kids close in age to grow up together will be a lost cause. Not that they can't be close if they're more than a few years apart but growing up with siblings so much older than myself, I want something different for my own kids.

I struggle with giving up control. I struggle with living life by the moment and not having a plan in place. But I remember days before Carter came being so excited to finally have my own life; to have a life that I choose how it's lived instead of it being scheduled for me and constantly having others dictating my day.

As far back as I can remember, I've always known my life would begin when I became a mother. My purpose in life was to be a mother and have a family and now that it's here and it really is everything I've wanted, I find myself wanting a title in addition to mother. As an adult, you spend a lot of your time working toward a title you can be proud to tell people. A title that shows you've worked your butt off and you're making it in the world. A title that says that you have your ducks in a row and you're succeeding at life. I lived my 20s for that and never found it. I went from one major to another in college, graduated, then went from one lay off to another and another until I found the last full time job I had before Carter. I was so unhappy there because I knew I had no where else to go. I was bidding my time until my life would really begin. Now that it has, the habit of searching for the next thing that I had in my 20s has crept into my 30s and my life as a mother.

I've never been good at being in limbo. I have highs and I have lows and anything in between makes me uneasy. I can't stop and rest for a moment. I can't be present because I'm always looking ahead. I can't stand still and take a breath and appreciate. Not because I don't have the ability but because I never thought it was acceptable. If I stopped and took a moment, that's time I wasn't learning or working toward a goal. I need a change of pace.

Having a newborn was such a hard transition from that always-moving-forward mentality to the be-here-now life I had to adopt. I wasn't prepared because I had no idea what to expect, even though I read all the books and blogs and asked for all the advice from mom friends. Try as I might to have a plan, God had other plans, and as the old adage goes, I'm sure he was laughing when I thought my plans would work. And now that we are pre-pregnancy for baby #2, and I keep hearing that going from one to two might as well be going from one to 10, I need to stop and think. I need to break the habit of moving and JUST BE STILL. I need to focus on each day as it comes, not plan for the next 2 months. I need to trust in God's plan and give him all control.

I need to form the habit of being still and quieting my mind and heart to listen to what God has to say. I've seen myself venturing down the path to list-making and month planning and control seeking. It doesn't make me happy, despite my contentment with it. Don't get me wrong, all of the plans I make bring me joy. Most of the things on my to-do list give me warm fuzzies when I complete them. But it's the moments in between that I didn't plan for that are really the heart of my life. I need to clear the clutter to live more intentionally in those moments, not only to experience that happiness more, but to prepare for the changes coming up in our lives and not be blindsided by them but to embrace them because I can let that control go and just be. I can trust that God is navigating us through the waves without me needing to be at the helm all the time. And I can truly enjoy living the life that I've always wanted.

Sunday Morning Reflection: We Survived

Last night, the three of us went over at our friends' house for dinner. They have a brand new, 7 week old baby. I was trying to think back to this time last year when we had just hit the 2 week mark with Carter and the baby blues were subsiding enough to finally peek my head out of the fog that had almost swallowed us whole. It truly is a miracle to not remember every last detail of those days because we would absolutely never have another child. But then I think back on the whole year that just passed and bittersweetly refer to it as the most difficult year of my life. Many aspects of our lives had been on the rocks at one point this year, Jason's job due to a merger, my sanity, our marriage. Luckily, all of those remain intact, at least at this moment. 

The growth, however, has been astounding. Not only watching Carter grow into this independent, unique, hilarious tiny human, but also how much my marriage has endured even knowing how difficult and trying having a baby would be. We didn't know it was going to be like this, both for the best and the worst. And for me personally, I almost feel as if I've been on hiatus from my real life and finally feel back to my old self. I'm writing, reading books and blogs I used to follow, and finally have the true desire to go running again. My thoughts are no longer, "just let me get through..."; they are, "alright, what needs to get done?" or "what do I want to do today?" I also feel that much of my growth has taken place in my faith. I still struggle with getting to mass but my faith and desire to become a stronger catholic as a woman, a wife, and a mom is driving many of my daily activities and that is a blessing. Maybe we can get more figured out before we start trying for Baby Z, The Sequel but, for now, I think it's officially safe to say WE SURVIVED!

Unexpected down time

Carter turns 1 in 10 days. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again and that partially scares me and makes me think I'll never be ready for another pregnancy/newborn stage. We'll see how I feel when he's a little older and not so much of a baby anymore!

So this morning I had an appointment for a cut and color at a newer hairstylist. I wanted something new for Carter's party and as a bit of a celebration that I made it a year already! 

I got my haircut with her last time and we had talked about doing the color. I haven't colored my hair in years and am a little afraid to again so I used the last 2 months to talk myself into it. I was running late this morning so I called to let them know and the woman on the phone said I was down for a cut only and, since I was late, they wouldn't be able to accommodate me. I was so disappointed. I haven't felt that let down in a long time, probably because I haven't done something like that for myself in a long time. I was so flustered that I just told them I'd call back to reschedule, already thinking I had to find another stylist. My sister-in-law was here to watch Carter so I headed out anyway with no where to go. I probably should have taken the time to run some baby-less errands but I decided to hit up one of my favorite coffee shops for some alone time.

Carter was not feeling well all weekend and we had originally thought it was just teething until both JZ and I felt awful Monday morning. Still feeling under the weather, my head was in the clouds so I couldn't concentrate at all. I listened to what sounded like an awkward first date (at 10a? maybe, with all the work-from-home hipsters and college students in Raleigh, it is a possibility) and drank my Japanese green tea and spent 2 blissful hours in my own head alone for a change. 

I guess not all was lost and I was able to reschedule the appointment for just a few days before his party. But it got me thinking about how crazy different my life is now and what it was back before Carter was even a thought. I don't work full-time. I have a reasonable amount of "freedom" as far as running errands or making appointments or calling a sitter to take a few hours to myself. I am my own boss, aside from my real boss, Carter, and I pretty much have everything I need at the moment. I'm a proud of myself for how quickly I was able to recognize that and not drag myself into a deep hole of self doubt and have a pity party for one. I only wish my head was clear enough to finish the book I've been reading, Women Food and God! Hoping to write more about that later.

Mama Do List 1

1. Dry shampoo. I found a blog article that I have to bookmark (http://agirlnamedpj.com/diy-dry-shampoo-for-brown-hair/).

This whole not showering everyday has gotten a lot better since I'm now working but some days my hair is just gross. I've always heard about dry shampoo and when I worked at a spa, we sold bumble+bumble dry shampoo and it always intrigued me.

2. Follow through on all those play dates I wanted to set up. Now that Carter is able to interact a bit more, I've met a ton of moms that I have talked about having play dates with. I've been good about getting together with some but others just completely escape me.

3. Plan date nights! This is a mama do because mama needs a night out! And it involves getting a sitter so I'll categorize it as a mom thing!

4. Get him into swim lessons. I keep forgetting to do this since summer is over but now is the time we really need to get him in there.

5. Christmas gifts for an 11 month old?! Where do I even begin? And then his birthday is less than a month after!

6. Schedule a haircut! This is necessary.

Who reads the first post anyway?

In case anyone does, here are some facts:
- I live in Raleigh (City of Oaks).
- I have an 8 month old son, Carter.
- My husband, Jason, and I have been married for 3 years this month.
- We have a pit bull mix, Jackson, who is 5.
- We have 2 brother cats, Boots and Sandy, who are 11.
- I grew up in Upstate New York and Jason grew up in Wisconsin.
- I went to East Carolina University and am a huge Pirates fan.
- We are hardcore Green Bay Packer fans.
- Before I had Carter, I was a runner. It's been really hard to get back to it but I hope to be back to where I was soon.
- I have started sewing and plan to make a lot of clothes for myself and Carter.
- I am mostly a SAHM but I work part-time for a really great local non-profit and hope to build up a career there.
- We cloth diaper and LOVE it.
- I don't read as much as I should/want to.
- I watch too much TV.
- It's a good day if I get a shower.
- I'm still trying to find out who I am and balance being a mom at the same time; right now my life is about 85% mom, 10% wife, 5% me.

I am hoping to use this space to keep track of the activities we do around Raleigh and beyond, things I want to remember, and mom moments. We'll see if I can keep up!