It's a changing season, literally and figuratively.
Fall begins in a matter of days and our life as a family of 3 is set to change soon too. J and I have been talking about trying for Baby Z #2 around the holidays and, while I don't feel ready, I also know I'll never feel ready or when I do, Carter will be so much older and the idea of having kids close in age to grow up together will be a lost cause. Not that they can't be close if they're more than a few years apart but growing up with siblings so much older than myself, I want something different for my own kids.
I struggle with giving up control. I struggle with living life by the moment and not having a plan in place. But I remember days before Carter came being so excited to finally have my own life; to have a life that I choose how it's lived instead of it being scheduled for me and constantly having others dictating my day.
As far back as I can remember, I've always known my life would begin when I became a mother. My purpose in life was to be a mother and have a family and now that it's here and it really is everything I've wanted, I find myself wanting a title in addition to mother. As an adult, you spend a lot of your time working toward a title you can be proud to tell people. A title that shows you've worked your butt off and you're making it in the world. A title that says that you have your ducks in a row and you're succeeding at life. I lived my 20s for that and never found it. I went from one major to another in college, graduated, then went from one lay off to another and another until I found the last full time job I had before Carter. I was so unhappy there because I knew I had no where else to go. I was bidding my time until my life would really begin. Now that it has, the habit of searching for the next thing that I had in my 20s has crept into my 30s and my life as a mother.
I've never been good at being in limbo. I have highs and I have lows and anything in between makes me uneasy. I can't stop and rest for a moment. I can't be present because I'm always looking ahead. I can't stand still and take a breath and appreciate. Not because I don't have the ability but because I never thought it was acceptable. If I stopped and took a moment, that's time I wasn't learning or working toward a goal. I need a change of pace.
Having a newborn was such a hard transition from that always-moving-forward mentality to the be-here-now life I had to adopt. I wasn't prepared because I had no idea what to expect, even though I read all the books and blogs and asked for all the advice from mom friends. Try as I might to have a plan, God had other plans, and as the old adage goes, I'm sure he was laughing when I thought my plans would work. And now that we are pre-pregnancy for baby #2, and I keep hearing that going from one to two might as well be going from one to 10, I need to stop and think. I need to break the habit of moving and JUST BE STILL. I need to focus on each day as it comes, not plan for the next 2 months. I need to trust in God's plan and give him all control.
I need to form the habit of being still and quieting my mind and heart to listen to what God has to say. I've seen myself venturing down the path to list-making and month planning and control seeking. It doesn't make me happy, despite my contentment with it. Don't get me wrong, all of the plans I make bring me joy. Most of the things on my to-do list give me warm fuzzies when I complete them. But it's the moments in between that I didn't plan for that are really the heart of my life. I need to clear the clutter to live more intentionally in those moments, not only to experience that happiness more, but to prepare for the changes coming up in our lives and not be blindsided by them but to embrace them because I can let that control go and just be. I can trust that God is navigating us through the waves without me needing to be at the helm all the time. And I can truly enjoy living the life that I've always wanted.
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